08: Trust

Hi everyone!

Today I want to discuss a little something that I’m sure everybody takes for granted upon first meeting someone. Trust. Would it not be agreed that trust represents a bond that connects two people? I think it does. Correct me if I’m wrong, but everybody places some level of trust in anybody they become acquainted with along the journey known as their life. Would you agree that upon becoming acquainted with someone, depending on your first impression of said person, you tend to gague the amount of trust to initially place upon this person? Let’s be honest here, I do it, you probably do too. I seem to place more trust in said person than I probably should, however, I keep my personal life a bit more guarded and private than some others do  initially. Maybe that’s why I do it.

So, I just recently broke up with the girlfriend. She’s a sweet girl and she can be pretty fun to hang out with, however, she does have some traits that one doesn’t see or learn about initially. We are very similar in many ways and if some things were different, we would probably still be together today. To keep a long story short without all the long-winded reasons about why things ended, let me just say that we both figured out that we aren’t ready to commit to something more than friendship and the trust between us was broken more than once.

I probably should have noticed at least one red flag before the trust boundary was broken, however, feeling the way I did about this person, I allowed her to say the right things to convince me things were alright. I should have been a bit more distant when I noticed her need for constant approval and how that need represented itself under the guise of “caring” and wanting me to be satisfied. That’s all beside the point of this discussion, but it leads into the meatier part of this discussion.

Anyway, many people have said that for any relationship to last, it takes work. A relationship can’t survive solely on physical pleasures. Eventually, those pleasures become “old hat” if nothing new and spontaneous is introduced once in a while to spice things up. Well, as we were dating, the dynamic of our relationship slowly began to change. Slowly, some extra baggage worked its way into our dynamic, and it started to feel as if I was pulling about 75% of the weight needed to make things work. Pulling all this weight, I was starting to get tired, so I started looking for a second plan. This second plan involved looking online and possibly meeting someone different and new. During that process, I met one person whom I was talking with via email. We traded some G rated pictures and talked about personal interests and different observations we have made about different kinds of people. The subject of this email would have suggested something far different than what occurred, however, things happened the way they did.

Trust in a relationship comes with the understanding that both partners respect each other’s personal space. I would say that e-mail falls under the personal space category. It’s usually password protected and if for some reason, the email is logged in when the partner wants to use their account, it would be understood that the partner would automatically log out of the acocunt and move on with their business. Well, this did not happen. I let my girlfriend use one of my laptops to check her email and apply for jobs at my place while I went to attend a study group with a classmate of mine. Upon coming back home, my girlfriend’s demeanour toward me had significantly changed. She neglected to tell me what was on her mind until two days later when she asked if I had been talking to people on craigslist. I replied no. Then she asked about a specific person and an email chain I had with that person. At this point, that email conversation had been finished for at least a couple weeks with no further communications. So, I then said yes, I talked to that person and had a conversation, but nothing more than the emails ever happened.

In the back of my mind, I was thinking, Goddammit, this girl has the audacity to read through my emails, obviously looking for trouble and ends up finding it, behind my back! However, my reaction was way different, it was calm, reserved and logical. I should know by now that in any situation like this, when a man tries to be logical with a woman, it never works because women are never logical. That was red flag number 1. Here was my argument to counter hers. “You went through my email. That is my personal space and under no circumstances did you have permission to invade my privacy. Regardless of what you found in my emails, you violated my trust in you. Look at my actions before, during and after the time period of those emails. Have I been acting any different toward you? Have I shown any signs that I am not interested in this relationship? Then what motivated you to read through my personal emails? Huh? Why didn’t you just sign out like I did when I used your computer one morning after you went to work? Might I remind you that I AM NOT your Ex-Boyfriend, whose emails you read through multiple times and gave multiple chances to him, catching him in the same lie every time.”

So, to her, we were officially broken up. To me, we were taking a break. I knew I wanted the relationship to keep going and I busted my ass to keep things going. She slowly warmed up to me again and ever so slowly, things started  to get warmer between her and I. Then about three weeks ago, red flag number 2 happened.

Early on a Sunday morning, after having a pleasant weekend and movie night the previous evening, this girl blatently went through my emails behind my back again. No, I’m not the idiot that left my computer logged in again. This time, she went out of her way to access my emails via my iPhone. That was it. At that point, the wonderful Fool me once… Fool me twice… quote came to mind. That’s not the best part. Here is the icing on the cake, or should I say the biggest slap in the face ever. She blamed the fact that she was falling back in love with me as the reason why she went out of her way to check my emails behind my back. Talk about insecure for a 27 year-old who should know better, especially when I made a big deal up front (at the start of our relationship) to be open, up front and honest about anything that is on our minds. She could have just asked me if I was talking with or seeing anybody from craigslist. My response again would have been “No.” However, again, this girl goes through my emails and finds a conversation of 2 or 3 total emails that lasted 1 day from a month and a half prior to her checking my sh**. I don’t know about you, but a month and a half prior is old irrelevant news to me. It is cold and long forgotten. Before walking out of my apartment, her last words to me were: “We can’t trust eachother.” In my opinion, the quote should have more accurately been: “You can’t trust me because I will always check your emails whenever I feel insecure regardless of how long we have been together and no matter how honest we have tried to be with each other. I can’t let go of the past and move forward with things.”

So, what is your take on this story and this topic?

~ Scott, fellow Tabber.